So I have been at online school for more than two months now, just like everybody else, and I have a few things to say.
I was a person who has always quite liked school, especially since I started boarding. It was my place to escape my home and I got to hang out with my friends so it was quite fun to say the least. It doesn’t mean I have a good relationship with it. If you have read my posts about school you will know that I don’t really think that the school system is that good as well as the fact that it is a major reason for my mental health being the way it is. But with all that in mind, I miss it like crazy. I miss my routine, my friends, and my life at school. I especially miss it because I just moved to the school and I was there for less than two terms and have about two terms left (not including the current term) before I have to sit my A-Levels; this means I am missing out on memories and experiences of the school that I actually can’t make again since I won’t be having a summer term again in my school life. Thinking about this really bums me out but also makes me remember how important it is to live in the moment and not stress about how things are going to end up being like, things that I don’t have control over. I am very guilty of doing this.
Online school is tough, and personally I am finding it to be tougher than actual school. To get that motivation to do school work while not actually being in school surrounded by my friends and being able to talk to my teachers more about the work that is being set. Online school is pretty much a teach yourself situation which isn’t the easiest when you weren’t doing too well in the classes when you had teachers there in person to explain what was going on in class, but without them it definitely makes it a lot harder. I do four A-Levels and in some of my subjects it is relatively easier for me to teach myself but for others it is a lot harder, such as maths and photography. This really demotivates a person, especially me. For the past few months it has been hard for me to get a good routine because of the time difference. My school day finishes a lot later which means I don’t have the energy to sit and do extra work after school ends and in the morning before school it is the only time I have free to go to the gym or spend with my family which doesn't make it easy for me to balance my time wisely which is something that I thought I was really good at.
I recently had exams and it was really hard to sit exams during this time for the major reason that I knew so many people were going to take it as an open book exam and since this grade counts to our predicted grades for university it just felt very unfair to me. I did put in a lot of effort for these since they do count towards mu predicted grades but I know I would have worked a lot more if the exams were held in school because then at least we would have a clearer idea of how much these exam results link to my predictions. Since a young age, I have always put school first because my goal is to get good predicted grades and A-Level grades but since I found out about my SAT results where I saw first hand that the effort I was putting in wasn’t being reciprocated I just didn’t have the motivation to carry on with over-exhausting myself with school work. Sitting here and writing this I know how stupid that is and I shouldn’t have let it bother me this much but it is tough, especially with not having the support from the teachers that I would get during school. I also know during this time that I am not the only one who has felt this way towards school, in fact, I have talked to a few of my friends who feel a very similar way which helps me feel relieved that I am not the only one struggling and if you are struggling and reading this just know that you aren’t the only one who is. I wake up pretty much every day saying that today I will be more productive but we both know that doesn't always work out. I am currently trying my best to get back onto a more productive routine and to stop binge-watching Dynasty season 3 but that is seeming to be tougher than usual. It is something that I will be having to work on for a much longer time and it will only happen when I start becoming stricter with myself about my routine. But with all that said I am definitely still going to be giving myself a proper break during my half-term, which is odd to think of having a holiday while I am permanently at home but it is something that I am going to have to work on a little.
Till my next post my lovelies x