So it has been a while since I last wrote a post or even checked up on this blog. When I started this I tried really hard on posting regularly on both this and my Instagram. But then school hit and everything gets to you at once and it just started getting a lot. I know it is my choice to do the fourth A-Level and I can drop it but that's not the point because even without that extra A-Level there is a lot of stress and work that you get given and its something that you never get told about or prepared for. You kind of just get thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim and you get the tools to build the life raft but no help in building it. I'm slowly getting the raft built as I figure out how to cope with the work and get a routine for getting my work done and not procrastinating but its hard, it never will get easier so its just something I need to figure out now. 

Its been a month since we have been at school and honestly, it feels like I have been here for ages (in a good way). I was so scared of going to a new school and the whole settling process and trying to make new friends. So far everything has gone pretty well I would say, I have been able to settle in pretty quick and get on with the work; I guess it helps because I had boarded for three years before I came here so I knew how it would be like. That did make everything a lot easier. But everything isn't sunshine and rainbows, well literally and metaphorically. If you have read my school posts you would have realized and known that I do have a constant battle with my mental health. This had been an extremely long battle that is getting very tiring to fight but I had slowly started winning the battle. I struggle with anxiety and social anxiety a lot along with other things but that had gotten a lot better over the summer things started to somewhat get better. Things happened to take a turn a few weeks ago and I have started to experience more panic attacks. I am used to getting small anxiety or panic attacks but it was never extremely severe and I was able to manage it. My first proper one happened about 2/3 weeks ago and it lasts over 2 hours where it would go and came back due to several things that were happening at the time and on the day. I have also experienced two extremely bad falls of two different horses that I was trying out a couple of months back which has caused me to be extremely nervous and scared when I get in a fast horse again which also led to another attack at my stables in School when I got told that the horse that I was riding got changed that day. I was barely able to stay on the horse for more than a minute before I had to get off. This hasn't been easy. I'm also not a person to open up and ask for help which yes I know sounds so stupid sometimes but I physically can never get myself to ask for help. And I know I am sharing a part of my story now but there I something about writing this not knowing who is going to read it that is freeing; I can write it and help someone because I understand how many people go through similar things and are also having a tough time. All I want through my page is too help people and just share how I'm coping through everything. The other day on my Instagram I posted an update in sixth form life on my story and my friend messaged me on that story saying that just reading that I was also finding it hard helped her so much because she realized that she isn't alone. reading that message from her made my heart so full because it makes me putting my story out here worth it. It makes making the blog so worth it because I realize that even if this isn't big and many people aren't reading it at least people are reading it and it could be helping someone. Its not easy dealing with sixth form when you just feel (in the words of a good friend in my school) ‘so fucked in the head' but right now all I am thinking is that I am doing good as long as I don't fall back into old habits of mine that were not good at all. One thing that has always helped me is working out and my new school has an amazing gym which I try to go to about 3 times a week and that is one thing I will say if you have you find the one thing that's your outlet that doesn't do any harm to yourself. 

A couple of weeks ago we had an exeact which is a fancier way of saying that the school is giving us a normal weekend off school instead of Saturday school. During that weekend I met up with two of my best mates from my old school and tried surprising my friends from there which failed miserably because my old art teacher had ruined it and told everyone. But just going back to that school and seeing everyone that was there felt so weird but good because that place had been my home for three years and it was almost comforting to get back to the tiny village of Mayfield, well until I remembered that the wifi blocks snapchat and couldn't get any service. But being back was so important because it made me realize that moving was the right choice for me; for the summer before school started I was second-guessing my choice but going back there brought back everything that had happened and it made me so sure with the choice I made and I could be happier here. That's one thing I will always say is get your self out of any toxic environment there is. Even though I have all this going on I can safely say that this move of schools has been such an amazing decision and I don't regret one bit of it which is all I need to remember since I had it a lot worsen my old school.

There is so much that has happened in this month of school but at the same time, nothing has really happened. I do love sixth form because compared to the previous school years you are given more freedom for a lot of things and are treated more like adults than children. You are expected to know when to work and how to manage your time without being told to and having that freedom over my time is so much better because the teachers trust you more. Plus you get free periods which I don't get often due to the four A-Levels but when I get them they are the absolute best thing ever because you can do absolutely nothing and no one really cares. Its also fab because you do the subjects you want to do and as someone who is somewhat a nerd and actually loves just learning about things that are actually interesting to me; granted they are hard but that just makes me want to understand it more which really does make me sound like a nerd but I find doing the subject you want and not having any forced upon you makes you actually want to do well mainly for the reason you can't say you were forced to do the subject.

I have tried writing a new post since my last one on results day but I have just had such bad writers' block and its crazy, every time I try to sit down and want to write a post nothing comes out until this one and feels so good just being able to get something out on here again. I know this post might sound very cringe to some but its the most truth your gonna get about a sixth form experience for a border and I am not planning on sugar-coating my experience to make it sound amazing but at the same time I'm not saying it has been bad. So sorry that I'm not as active as when I started this, I will try to become more active. I hope this post has made anyone going through a hard time realize that you are not alone and that they are other people in a similar situation and if you don't have anyone else you can always message me on intsa. 

Till my next post my lovelies x